Just Hand Over the Pulitzer: Nasty Gigi gets Braces

Well friends, I have been a thirty two year old woman with braces for almost two weeks now. I was nervous writing about my experience at the orthodontist because of the intense pressure leading up the moment where I, Nasty Gigi, write the blog post that will eventually lead to me winning the Pulitzer.

I fell down a flight of stairs yesterday at my job (blog to follow).  Yes, Gigi fell down a flight of stairs and now my big toe is stubbed or jammed or whatever. But, on the bright side, I finally have time to write about my beautiful braces. Thank God I still have that boot from injuring my foot last year. I can't afford to call into work two days in a row.
My orthodontist's office is designed to look like the home of the Jetsons. I'm not really sure whose idea it was to design an orthodontist office like this. My feelings vacillated between soothed and disturbed by the visual metaphor. Space: the unknown, exploration...

That morning, I dropped off my husband for his surgery; he had scheduled his on the same day. What can I say? we are perfection.
I was alone with the view of smoggy Los Angeles and the overwhelming feeling of the unknown (thanks creepy orthodontist office).
The Money Lady called me in before I was about to have the metal installed in my mouth so we could talk finances and my overall teeth plan. Braces cost a fortune. I have mommy to thank for forking over the down payment on my mouth. Shout out to Mommy! But, I'm taking care of the rest. Spending money on a mouth is a big investment in vanity. As my hand went to write my signature on my the contract I was overwhelmed with the feeling. Do I

really need these stupid things? Am I vain? I can live without Toothy. And I'm sure Backy fears change anyway. I don't need a perfect mouth. Some guys like crooked teeth.

But, then I remembered that my dentist told me if I didn't get braces the right side of my teeth would age and decay at an accelerated rate, so I signed the document and the Money Lady left. A few minutes in I snapped out of my daze and glanced over to discover a replica of my former mouth. There he was. A shadow. A ghost. Oh, Toothy I thought I was done with you.

Can you see Toothy's ghost?

It was an out of body experience. There was the ghost of my former abusive boyfriend staring at me as I sat alone in Space.  "Vanity," he whispered, "vanity." It made my skin crawl. 

I was about to get up and leave, you know, call the whole thing off when the orthodontist swung open the door and explained to me what my life was going to be for the next two years.

"Two years?" As my ill-manicured eyebrows lifted in a state of shock I heard Toothy cackle at my misfortune. Out of spite I decided that I'd show Toothy that he didn't own me. I was gonna get braces whether he liked it or not. I was going to fence him out forever. 

As I lay my head back in the chair, stared at the space themed ceiling, and let this dude named Rinaldo (orthodontist assistant) have his way with my mouth I began to reminisce, trying to remember how it felt for it to be free; what it was like to have my old smile. I realized that this procedure was going to change me forever, and I said a silent goodbye.

Last picture.

Why didn't anyone tell me that they glue these things onto your teeth? YEAH! I've got glue all over them. In order for the glue to work they purposely dry out your mouth, and I don't know about you, but there is nothing worse than having a dry mouth. I've had extensive conversations with my soul mate Abra about this issue. We both agree that a moist mouth is the way to go.

After Rinaldo, or whatever his name is, was done putting the brackets into my mouth he told me to take a break and then he'd put in the wires. So, I got up from the chair and was excited to moisten my mouth when I got a glimpse of myself.

When he put the wires in he used those orange glasses as a resting table for his tools. I wish I could have taken a POV shot of that because it was the moment I realized that the people in the orthodontia field should not be referred to as doctors but mouth mechanics. As the wires tightened Rinaldo let me know that when I went home I would feel some minor discomfort, I was no longer allowed to eat chips or anything crunchy, and that I had to do the weirdest floss maintenance in order to make sure these metal babies were in tip top shape. I would like to tell you that I am doing everything that he advised. I would like to tell you that.

What I can tell you is that I was unable to eat solid food for a week because I was in so much pain and that my husband, who went through surgery on the same day, was on the couch for a week in pain as well. What can I say? we are a power couple.

Before I left, the orthodontist notified me that I would be back in a couple of weeks for them to add braces to the bottom row. Yeah, that's right, they only installed braces on the top of my mouth. At first I was like, "What?" and then I was like "oh well, more material." 

I'll leave you with my biggest revelation of this entire ordeal: having braces is like going to mouth jail and my sentence is two years.                                                                     To be continued...

First glimpse of the complete look