Bats in Space: The Tale of The Faceless Lady with Pale Blue Eyes.

Bats in Space!!!!!

It's almost Halloween and so much has happened in the last several months for me, Nasty Gigi, and my mouth transformation. I got bottom braces, Backy got a front bracket, I can't bite down or close my mouth completely, and learned that you shouldn't eat nacho cheese and chips at a redneck wedding when you have braces.

Bottom braces are the worst. They cut up my mouth, and give me marks that will stay with me for life. I lost Toothy (my baby tooth) in some rubble in my house. I'm pretty sure I threw him away, and I'm fairly certain that he is reaping his vengeance. Before our break-up he convinced me to make him into a necklace that I would wear in his memory. "This way, I'll always be close to your heart." It's a good thing I lost him. Do any of you remember the media frenzy when Angelina Jolie wore a vial with Billy Bob Thorton's blood around her neck?

I lost Toothy, so that Backy wouldn't be scared off and move to the front. That's really the objective anyway, right? The transformation in my mouth is startling (see end of blog). I used to come back from the orthodontist and think, "This dude doesn't know what he's doing." But he does. He also loves to inflict pain and confusion. It's part of his/her job.

The orthodontist has many assistants who aide him. The first assistant I had wasn't into the torture tip. His name is Roger.  He was the one who installed my wires, brackets, and mouth ramp seen to the right. He also lives in my building. He is my neighbor. We have a bond. I love him because he tries to talk to me during appointments when the only responses I can give him are muffled retorts. But, he understands me.

What are those blue things you ask? They are there so I can't bite down completely in order for Backy to jump the bottom row. It's a process that we call at the Orthospaceship "jumping the tooth". This also means that I can't eat quesadillas in public without looking like a dog fighting with its chew toy.

Roger has been with me from the beginning. It wasn't until I broke the Orthodontic cardinal rule: DO NOT EAT CHIPS, that the head orthodontist took me away from Roger and threw me over to the FACELESS LADY with PALE BLUE EYES.

I ate the chips while I was attending a redneck wedding. The wedding of Tony and Kelly: two gracious and fun loving people. They got married in Norco, aka "Horsetown" at a church with a Western themed stage.

The colors were red, white, and blue, the men wore cowboy hats, and the reception was at a trailer park. It was a beautiful wedding with great barbecue, beer coozies, and hooting and hollering. I don't know how any wedding can top this one.

sans left bite ramp

After drinking a $2 beer at the bar inside the trailer park, I went over to the reception to find Croc-pots on every table filled with nacho cheese. I hadn't eaten yet, because the wedding was at noon, so despite what Roger had instructed me to do, I ate chips. They were delicious. They were a mistake. The chips were so crunchy that I didn't seem to notice that I ate one of my blue bite ramps. Perhaps it was the Bud-Light that clouded my vision, or perhaps those blue ramps are delicious!

Despite the beer, It didn't take long for me to notice, that my mouth was the hot mess at the wedding. When I told my  hypochondriac husband he spun over his iPhone to see if eating that blue stuff would result in my demise. He wanted to rush to the hospital and take me away from the redneck spectacle. Men with long hair and long beards were chanting during the mother of the bride's speech!
"No way Jose!" I declared, "why would any doctor put something toxic in any one's mouth? Get off your iPhone!" But he didn't listen and disappeared into the sea of trailers with his iPhone pressed against his eyeballs. It wasn't until the barbecue was served that he resurfaced. The man loves food more than me or technology.

Roger is behind me as I gaze at my rubber band.

After the wedding, I made an appointment to see my Orthodontist,  and that's when I met THE FACELESS WOMAN with PALE BLUE EYES. She also has a thick accent, which can creep you out when you can't really see her face. Up until this point going to get my braces was a lark. A game. But this time, she inflicted the pain. She replaced the blue ramp as instructed, but moved on to replacing a wire. This wasn't a part of the plan! "Do you want to 'jump the tooth' or not?" She glared at me. In my head I chanted my mantra,
"Bring Backy to the front...bring Backy to the front..." But as she put in the wire she pushed on Backy. We looked for something to squeeze as we called out in pain.
"I'm sorry sweetie," was all she could say as I pulled away from her to try to avoid the pain I felt in my mouth. But she kept pushing and held my head, "don't move away from me!"

I swear I could hear a cackle from hell. Toothy was seeking his revenge.

welcome Coach to the team!

After she was done I breathed a sigh of relief and looked over at Roger. "I'm going to complain," I thought. "I'm going to get Roger back." And as I was about to get up THE FACELESS WOMAN with PALE BLUE EYES touched my shoulder.
"The doctor has instructed me to show you how to install the rubber band." I screamed.

So, now Backy has a friend! A rubber band I call Coach. It's quite an ordeal to get Coach out onto the field, but when he comes out, he definitely gets Backy to feel the burn.

Shit my mouth hurts.

       MY MOUTH TRANSFORMATION