The toe nail

Yes. It happened to me. I actually didn't think it ever happened at all, but after you lose a toe nail people share their stories about how they lost their dear nimble friends.

But, I never thought it would happen to me.

I was at my cousin's engagement party on their family ranch. It was clear on the invitation that it was on a ranch and to wear you dancing shoes. I guess I should have been a little more insightful when reading this invitation, because when I got there everyone was decked out in their ruffled skirts and cowboys boots, whilst I was in my bright blue wrap around dress from Ross and simple sandals. Oh well, it's me, Gigi, the kooky broke distant cousin. I can pull off this outfit by having a good time.

There was a woman there that stood out from the crowd too. She was plump, had frizzy hair, and wore Bobbie socks. She was like me; I felt comforted by her presence. Little did I know that this woman would have a hand into me losing my little friend, my toenail.

She was the hoe-down instructor. Yes. I went to a party where there was a hoe-down instructor, and it was really really fun in the beginning. I got to dance with all the funny old men at the party and watch my spouse flirt with all the giggly old ladies. It wasn't until I was partnered with my step-father that I felt the pain of a thousand ton elephant slamming all it's weight on my darling big toe. That is not to say that my step-father is an elephant. He is quite an attractive guy. In fact, he used to look like that guy who played The Rocketeer. That night he was wearing his steel toed boots and I, as I said before, was wearing a mere strappy sandal.

We were in the middle of do-si-doing when the dude standing next to my step-father finally recognized him hours after the small party had commenced and in his drunken hazed glee pushed my step father into me crushing my darling big toe.

Being the avid dancer, I kept dancing. I think my big toe was in shock because I didn't really feel pain. I stopped dancing when I realized that the liquid in between my foot and sandal wasn't sweat. It was blood.

I calmly sat down not wanting to cause a scene, but when I got a look at the thing I started to panic. Luckily all of my cousins are pre-med, and they bandaged my big toe, but informed me that I would probably have to part with the nail. I sat out the rest of the party and decided to drink heavily instead. I wasn't going to let a toe stop me from having a good time. It wasn't until my mother came up to me in a drunken haze and stepped on my toe once more that I decided to call it quits. And I never leave a party early.

The toenail stayed on for quite awhile. It was white and rubbery for awhile. It stayed that way for months. I thought that maybe I could keep it. But alas, as I was chatting on the phone with my BFF I was playing with it and all of a sudden. Crack. It loosened. Being a frequent lover of disgusting bodily things; I thought it might be a good idea to rip it off with my BFF on the phone. We were chatting casually as I squrimed to get the right angles to document this event on my webcam, only to pause to sever the nail from my flesh. Shush."Ahhhhhhhh. Ohhhhhh." I held the nailed up to the light, "Weird." So this is what success feels like.

                   You can't really see my naked toe, but it sorta looks like a Cabbage Patch doll.