Black Guys Love Braces

So, I thought when I walked into the Orthospaceship, aka my orthodontist, that I was going to get my bottom braces. I felt wonderfully secure as I sauntered into the office, past a screaming child who was having his braces installed for the first time because, "You're the Best," the theme from The Karate Kid was playing. I was gonna get my bottom braces and be brave like Daniel-Son.

But, my Orthodontist said I needed a little more time, tightened a spring or two, and sent me on my merry way.

But, that didn't mean that I didn't have material to write about. Being an adult with braces is an extremely wonderful thing. It's a period where you are able to really understand the human condition. Why? Because people's reactions to braces tell you what kind of person they are. Some react in a jubilant way: adventurous person; some react in a painful way: hermit, and some don't react at all: boring. And then there are those who react in a sexual way: kinky. And in the month that I have had braces all of the people who have reacted this way are black guys. This has lead me to the realization that: Black guys love braces.

When I was prepping for braces a co-worker of mine let me in on a little known sexual secret, "It's a thing," is the term he used. Some people are into chicks with braces. I thought that this was a hilarious joke. What dude would be into a chick that had an actual metal barrier that divided their love? I brushed off his statement. I mean, braces do make me look younger, but do they make me look sexier?

My first encounter with the braces = sexy to black men theory was when I was with two of my friends at a popular dive bar frequented by millennials. I am in fact not a millennial. I guess I would classify my generation as the backwash of Gen X/ grunge. Pre-millennial.  Both of my millennial friends are hip/attractive and knew almost everyone at the bar. Instead of the schmooze that I thought I was going to observe these two were really into acting like cats. Yes, these two enjoined meowing, pawing, and hissing in public. I leaned over, "Would you two be acting like this if I wasn't here?" They both raised their eyebrows in agreement and continued to play.

While the cats played the black guy from across the bar was noticing me. He was introduced to me by my friend, the girl cat, as he was also a regular at this bar. He said, "Hello," in that sub-textual way like, it's really nice to meet you or you're hot or whatever. I looked at him funny and said the first thing that popped into my mind,
            "I have braces." The black guy smirked and replied,
            "I know. They're sexy." Puzzled, my wit responded,
            "They're a death trap."
           "I'm a man and...I'm a man...I'm a man..."  He said this as he put his hands up in surrender and backed away from me.  My cat friends couldn't believe that I had actually said this to someone. I thought it was a conversation starter. My guy cat friend once again confirmed, "See I told you it was a thing."

The second encounter I had was when I was at a conference and I met a former co-worker of a friend, and yes, he was a black guy. During dinner at a restaurant this dude put on lotion and had "accidentally" put on too much. He looked over at me as I smiled and decided to rub his arm against mine because apparently I needed some lotion too. Who uses lotion anyway? Plus, who uses lotion at a restaurant? I was naive to the fact that the rubbing of forearms is the international sign for getting busy. So, I guess he thought maybe I was into him because he looked at me, with my mouth full of braces, and let me know he was interested. In the back of my mind I was like, "Really?" It wasn't until my conference friend, who isn't clueless, noticed his flirtation and sneakily brought up the fact that I was married. Thus ending this dude's brace face fantasy.

My third and fourth encounter happened at the same event. It was at a skater video exhibition where hundreds of twenty something skaters were drinking free booze while clutching their skateboards. I must admit that it probably wasn't until the free booze took its toll on the minds of the skaters that the beasts that were inside them came out. And when the beasts revealed themselves, it wasn't the white nerds, Latinos, Asians, or American Indians, that took notice of the metal in my mouth but two black men.

The third black dude was charming and full of it. He walked up to me and said, "That's a nice dress, but the tag is showing." I naively tugged at the back of my dress,
                "Is it really?'
                "Yeah, it says, made in heaven." And with a wink and a side smile he evaporated into the crowd. He approached me a second time and asked me what kind of material I thought his shirt was. He beckoned for me to touch it. I think I might be a tad bit retarded because I felt his shirt and replied,
                "I dunno...cotton?" He smiled at me and winked again,
                "No. It's boyfriend material."

The fourth encounter was the most memorable because it solidified my belief: black men love braces. He was drunk and high on life, which according to a friend who witnessed the incident, broke down all of his boundaries. "Guys think a lot of the things he said to you, but they never get up the courage." He approached me and engaged me in conversation, so I asked him his name. He replied,
                 "Fabian..." but then hesitated, got into my face and said, "It's whatever you want it to be." I laughed at the line. His name is whatever I wanted it to be? What if I wanted to name him Fart? or Dicksplash? This whole naming thing made me a little uncomfortable, I had never been hit on so much in my life. And the feeling began to sink in: it's the braces. It's gotta be. As I was lost in thought Fabian approached me again."I want to attack you right  now! Grrrrrrr!"  I proceeded to tell him I was married, but he didn't care, "What's he gonna beat me up?"
                   "No."
                   "He's gonna kill me when he sees us making out?"
                   "I'm not gonna make out with you." And with that he was gone.

I am a girl that no one ever hits on. Seriously. I do not have that slamming of a body, because I rarely work out, I have recently started to take care of my skin (only recently), I don't have a foreign accent, and I think I give off the "I'm not available" vibe, because I only have eyes for my husband. But, these braces make black men notice me.

I think black men are attractive. Always have, and before I was married I would have relished this sort of attention, and yes, if I'm being honest the attention does make me feel good. But all it took was braces? Do black men really like braces? Or do black men like me with braces? Am I hotter with braces? If so, how come no one of any other race has hit on me? And why now? This is a mystery to me.

            Here is the only pic I took on my check-up. Pay no attention to Toothy. Cheer on Backy.